Juices pouring from the meat and wetting your chin seem to conjure a feeling of guilt, right after your first bite! If you’re looking for an excuse to hit the gym, this is your perfect opportunity. Just don’t try acting cute…stick with the beef. I personally recommend the SoCal Burger (pictured below). This bad boy comes with butter lettuce, oven dried tomato, spread, house made american cheese and carmelized onions:
A nice closeup of this little slut:
Every burger comes with a side of triple-fried French fries or onion rings. The garlic aioli is a must and will be your little buddy throughout the entire dining experience. However, whoever’s idiotic idea it was to serve all sauces, including fugazzi ketchup, in little Chinese soup spoons is a retard and deserves to get lashed in public. Smuggle a bottle of Hunt’s and drench the hot golden bastards upon every bite.
Drinks are pretty odd but you should be safe with a Mexican Coke (comes in a glass bottle). They used to have an amazing watermelon drink with basil seeds – don’t know why they stopped serving it.
Time for dessert? Hell no! It is quite apparent that this place has no respect for your health. They offer ice cream sandwiches and cake…don’t be stupid and don’t push yourself, pal. Be strong and simply ask for the check.
Word has it that the mobile truck is horrible…visit one of the following locations for a better experience:
Umami Burger
850 S. La Brea Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90036
323.931.3000
4655 Hollywood Blvd.
Hollywood, CA 90027
323.669.3922
1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd., #7
Los Angeles, CA 90028
323.469.3100
Let me take you through the journey of Willy Wonka and the kabob factory. Raffi’s Place is located in Glendale, CA and the Armenian kabob they serve is nearly identical to Persian kabob. Sit in the patio, even if it’s hailing, and enjoy the crisp cologne-scented air. Don’t even think twice about looking at the menu. The following order recommendations may be harmful to your health and it is strongly encouraged to have EMT personnel on standby.
For appetizers, start off with the roasted eggplant dip which is cooked with tomato, onions and a variety of spices. Most-o-moosir, the foundation and backbone to this religious experience, is comprised of yogurt and sour cream mixed with chopped shallots and garlic…Jesus Christ of Nazareth just outside of Bethlehem, this stuff is equivalent to modern day anthrax.
The juices of the ground chicken and beef skewers drench the lavash bread as a virgin on prom night wets her panties. Their shish kabob (medium rare) is marinated for days in various spices and is so moist and tender, it should be on To Catch a Predator.
And now its time for the elevator ride. They have a dish called deezy, a combination of lamb and veal which is cooked until the meat falls off the bone. Culprits include onions, tomatoes, beans and lentils. It is all smashed together table side and served with crispy sangak bread, which is meant to be baptized in the hot broth that compliments this dish. Deezy should really be illegal in the States.
Lamb chops cooked medium…BAAAAAAAH!
After u finish, if you’re still coherent, a HOT chai is recommended as the death penalty was for Scott Peterson. I love sweets and boy does the bakhlava have depth. The bottom line – you’ll be addicted to Raffi’s Place as a millionaire is addicted to failing parking meters…PURE IMAGINATION!
Finally…we can now enjoy a tasty Bay Cities Italian Deli sandwich without a side order of prick! The owner, a true Bay Cities fanatic, could not have done a better job replicating this famous sandwich. Best of all, you don’t have to deal with the long line, ex-convicts who think they’re comedians or arguing for a couple extra napkins.
My favorite is the Boar’s Head cracked pepper turkey sandwich with the works (extra spicy, no roasted bell peppers) and USUALLY a slice of havarti cheese…unfortunately, they lack in this department. You are limited to a small selection of boring cheeses. Bay Cities, on the other hand, is a much larger deli with a huge variety of meats, cheeses, drinks, salads, etc.
On the upside, the place is called “All About the Bread” for a reason – they cook their bread fresh every hour. Additionally, you don’t have to drive all the way to the beach to get ahold of these flavors. Here’s a pic of the store:
Wall art:
Located right around the corner of Pink’s Hot Dogs, on La Brea & Melrose in West Hollywood, CA.
All About the Bread
7111 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046
Beverly Hills is home to two of three total locations. I personally favor the North Canon Drive location as they tend to use more sauce and less cheese, as opposed to the South Beverly Drive location. Anyhow, a Mulberry slice may very well be the best slice of pizza you will ever come across. Rumor has it that they purchase their dough from Lamonica’s New York Pizza in Westwood, which receives a fresh shipment of dough from New York on a regular basis.
Always start with a slice of cheese and work your way up to a chicken parmesan and/or an eggplant slice. If you’re a fan of fresh raw garlic, don’t hesitate to sprinkle away. Also, ranch and a boiling hot side of marinara sauce never hurt nobody.
I won’t comment on the owner…I don’t want the mafia after me!
Mulberry Street Pizzeria
347 N. Canon Dr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90210
310.247.8998
240 S. Beverly Dr.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
310.247.8100
You’re certainly better off digging your grave BEFORE eating at this establishment. Welcome to Fogo De Chao! By the end of your meal, you will try nearly every part of a cow…filet, rib eye, top sirloin, bottom sirloin, ribs and even seared nipples (just kidding). They also throw in lamb chops and hot tender chicken legs in between.
Be careful of all the side orders and most of all, the notorious bread…I could stuff my pillows with these rolls and sleep like a baby all night long. I don’t know how the make it but it can bring people out of commas. Anyhow, I guess they are trying to fill your stomach up as soon as possible to cut down the meat consumption of guests.
You are given a card with two sides…one green and the other red. If green is facing up, you will shortly be attacked by dozens of men with swords covered in juicy meat. You are served table side and the meat is cut right in front of you. They will always ask how you like your meat cooked and cut you the right piece. If red is up, you are either taking a break or have thrown in the towel.
This is picanha…the signature steak.
Dessert here is an absolute must…molten chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream, no exceptions.
